Experiencing loss made me realize that nothing prepares you for the overwhelming emotions and emptiness that accompanies it. No amount of “I’m sorry for your loss” could have prepared me for this moment. The reality dawned on me when I walked into your room without knocking and you weren’t there to shout at me. I saw something funny on Twitter days ago and I called out to you but you didn’t respond. The echo of my voice was enough to remind that you weren’t coming back.
For every time I told someone I’m sorry for your loss, I realize now that you can’t fully comprehend loss until you experience it. Now I know better,even when a character in a movie dies, I’m reminded of you. Yesterday at the Supermarket, I heard your name and I turned around. I knew you were gone but still would it hurt to have seen you behind me saying “suprise, did you really think you were going to be rid of me?”
Your smell left the house just weeks after you left. I tried to get the same fragrance you liked but even in death, you outsmarted me. The fragrance was already out of stock and I had to wait. Some days are harder than others. I breathe in what I thought was air but I can only smell my misery and loneliness. I’ve thought about what you would want me to do and certainly it isn’t to put my life on pause. I’m choosing the next best option for me: live and grief.
Remember it’s okay to grief but to stop living because of it doesn’t do the dead any justice. Live and grief, don’t just be alive.
Image gotten from Google.